


Hello. It's Me

by romanticalgirl



Series: Hello Goodbye [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Hello. It's Me

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

_You left me._

It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right, but I suppose I have no rights to complain, since I left you long before you actually decided to go. But, in the end, I guess I was a lot like you. Well, a lot like you were always accused of being, always wanting the thing you can't have. 

Of course, the way things always worked out for us, there was never a time when I was allowed to have you. 

Sure, I suppose people thought we might get together after the incident in the factory, but you and I both knew that if we did that, we wouldn't be happy. We wouldn't have been fair. We would have blamed each other for every little thing that didn't go our way. 

And nothing would have gone our way, would it? 

The Hellmouth would have seen to that if our typical luck hadn't. We were such good friends, and such amazing lovers, Xander. Why couldn't we ever get it right? 

Not that we ever made love. That would have been the step neither of us could have walked away from. But we each went on to do it and walk away from it, didn't we? 

Oh. You didn't know? 

Yeah, Oz and Ithe night before graduation. And a few more times after that. But then things happened. It all sort of fell apart after you left. Funny that you couldn't manage to come between us while you were here, but you did when you left. 

I have way too much irony in my life. 

Not that you were the only reason that we split up. We were going in different directions. I mean, Oz went to college because that's where I was going to be, but I needed to go there to be me. And he wanted me to be too much a part of him and me. 

Am I making any sense? 

I guess it doesn't matter, since you're never going to see this. After all, you left on your trip two years ago. I'm beginning to believe that either you're dead or you've landed on a deserted island with an assortment of crazy characters. 

But stuff like that only happens on TV, doesn't it? Of course, stuff like vampires and witches and werewolves only happens on TV too. 

So maybe you are lost on some uncharted desert isle. Buffy would be Skipper. You'd be Gilligan. Giles would be the Professor. Cordelia would be Ginger. Spike and Drusilla would be Lovey and Thurston Howell the Third. I'd be Mary Ann. 

I always thought Mary Ann was kind of a sad character. Which is only fitting since these days I spend a lot of my time being sad. Giles won't even let me cast, saying that I'm liable to get myself hurt with my lack of focus. 

That's right, I've become very Xandery in your absence. My grades are shot. They're going to rescind my scholarship if I don't do something soon, but I can't help it. I'm so caught up in thinking about you that I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. 

It's likeremember the time when we were in 6th grade and we were supposed to be making some stable compound in earth science and I asked you to pour in some Sodium Chloride and instead you poured inwell, I don't remember really what it was. A lot of the memory was lost in the explosion you caused. That's how I feel all the time now, like a part of me has been forgotten in the resulting explosion. 

Everyone thinks that you're dead. I wonder how that feels, to have everyone think that about you. Right now they just think that I should go see someone. Like seeing some sort of shrink would make it all better. Like seeing someone I can't tell even a little bit of the truth to would make me want to go on living without you. 

I told them, when they dared to bring it up, that the only person I could see that would make me feel better was you, and they got that look that they try to hide from me. The look that says "Poor Willow, we had such high hopes for her." 

Giles gets that look a lot. 

It's hard. Knowing that I'm disappointing him and Buffy. It's hard knowing that I'm letting everyone down. But the only person whose approval I ever needed or wanted isn't around to see the mess that I've become, so I guess that means that I'm not doing too bad, right? I mean, I haven't disappointed you, have I? 

I almost laughed the time you told me that you needed me to approve of you. It was so funny, considering I'd spent my entire life trying to be the girl I thought you might want. 

But I was never that, was I Xander? I was always the best buddy or the illicit smoochies. But I was never her. I was never the Cordy or the Buffy or the Faith. I was just way too normal, way too easy, way tooWillow. You wanted danger. You wanted all the things that your parents made you think relationships were made of. 

All I ever wanted was for you to love me. 

But, it's been two years and things are the same on the Hellmouth. Buffy's still alive. Giles is still around. And good, old, faithful Willow is still at the computer, wondering what you're doing. 

What are you doing? 

Are you alive? Are you out there somewhere? Is someone loving you? 

You can't be dead. I'd know. Somehow, I'd know. My heart would die with you. And it's still beating, so I know you're out there. And I know that someday you'll come back to me. 

And the way our lives have gone so far, you'll take one look at me and run away. You were always so much better at that than anything else. 

***

"Willow?" 

I look up from the journal I'm writing in to see Buffy's worried blue eyes. I can only guess that I've been sitting still for too long and she's afraid that I've slipped into some sort of trance-like state. She's afraid I've been casting and my body's been taken over by some horrible demon she'll have to slay. 

"Hey Buffy." 

"You all right?" 

"Right as rain." 

She flinches and I wonder why. Maybe the phrase means something to her. I don't know. I don't know her very well anymore, even though we've been living together for two years now. "Giles is here." 

"Okay." 

"He wants to see you." 

"No." I get up from the chair, careful to make sure that I have my journal in my grasp. "I don't need help, Buffy. And don't pretend that this is about anything other than that. You know what I need. And you can't give it to me and you can't get it for me. You think he's *dead*! How can you help me?" 

"Willow"

She's advancing on me and, for the first time, a new emotion floods through me. 

Fear. 

Isn't it funny that I'm suddenly afraid of my best friend? "No, Buffy. Please?" 

"Buffy." 

We both stop our movements as another voice fills the room. My chin begins to tremble as it rumbles through me. It would have to be her name you said, wouldn't it? 

She stops and turns, her eyes wide. Well, at least she wasn't holding out on me. Her face falls and tears course down her cheeks as she throws herself into your arms. You catch her and swing her around with a strength and an agility I never knew you could possess. 

My fingers are numb. My whole body is numb. I hear the journal hit the floor, even though I never feel it leave my hands. The sound of it hitting the wood jerks me back to reality and I fall to my knees to grab it before anyone else can see my soul so brazenly emblazoned across its pages. 

And suddenly you're there, in front of me, your hands on mine as we both grab for the book. Our eyes meet like they have a million times in the past. 

You look older. You look sadder. 

I wonder how I look to you. 

I wonder if it even matters. You said her name first, like always. You're still not looking for the girl next door, are you? Can you tell me now if you ever will, so that I can give up hoping? 

Your hands pull the book from my hands and set it aside. I want to follow it with my eyes and make sure no one takes it, but I can't look away from the deep chocolate pools of yours. I want to hate you. 

I want to love you. 

No. I want you to love me. 

"Hello." 

Your voice is just like I remember, only deeper. More adult. You've grown up. You've matured. 

You're home. Again. And I can only hope you've brought me back with you. 

"XXander?" 

You nod. "Yeah, Will." Taking my chin in your hand, you make me see you before you kiss me softly. You have come home. "It's me." 

* * *


End file.
